ah beng jokes
Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from hisPhone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
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Ah Beng: I am a proud because my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
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Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be OK.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
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Ah Beng: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.
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Ah Beng: People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You have come again.
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Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng: 'I was watching TV news...'
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Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine' He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
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How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
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Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
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Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
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Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is 'you will go to jail'
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Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
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A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
gummy bears loves hearing aids
was another day at work today when my colls decided to put the gummy bear beside one of our hearing aids..
well the positions ended up like this
happy humping....
the office
this is my new office.. so far so good.. other than the air con not powerful..
took some photos with one of my colls and some interns.. they quite good ah.. can come to singapore from germany to do internship and along the way can go tour south east asia..
nicelegs on course
was on course the whole of last week. 5 day course.. good ah.. no need to work..haha.
learn how to use Pro E. how to do drafting.. designing.. stuff like tat. quite boring to some pple la.. haha..
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car....
some joke from caps
# 1 Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered my dick with aspirin. U want to take it orally or as injection.
# 2 Three fastest means of communication:
1 Telephone
2 Television
3 Tell-a-woman
# 3 One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: "KNN! every time u work, I gotta 7 days off!"
KOTEX retorted: "KNS! whenever u make mistake during work, I gotta take 9 months leave".
# 4 A man called his 4th wife - baby doll,
3rd wife - china doll,
2nd wife-barbie doll &
1st wife - GUESS WHAT NAME?
Panadol
# 5 Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: "Look at that 75kg of pure dynamite".
Wife replies: "Fucking shame about the 2 inches fuse".
# 6 Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms,always protecting you.
Best friends are like viagra, lift you up when you are down.
# 7 Man tell MP: My son a drug addict, my daughter a prostitute, my wife a gambler.
MP: Isn't there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.
# 8 What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!
# 9 Singh who is a gangster:
SamSingh Singh who is lost: MisSingh
Singh who is noisy: BisSingh
Singh who has three balls: AMAZING
# 10 Naked girl board taxi. Driver stared. Girl scold, never see naked girl ah?
Driver reply, see before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare.
car loan how to calculate
halo halo... was kinda free nowadays..
anyway... was looking at the car loans calculations and i find it damn mafan to calculate again and again when deciding how much to loan and how long to service the loan..
so voila!!.. i did a excel file.. could have done it in C++ but don have tat software..haha
anyway.. just have to enter the numbers in the yellow boxes and the need info will come out.. i even added a table on how much to pay if you want to change cars when still serving your original loan...
below is the loan tat im taking.. 30k.. with 2.5% interest.. so the amount im paying is all there.. assuming in changing cars after 3 years.. the outstanding amt i have to pay is also calculated..
the template:
haiz.. so proud of myself.. i think im going to design my exhaust tip if i can... haha
send me an e mail at
kahjinswee@gmail.com if anyone wants the file.. free one..
nicelegs mobile
yay!! nicelegs just booked new ride!!
and its red.. i like..
nicelegs trying hearing aid
last fri went for some training at centerpoint to see how we sell hearing aids. im also trying to hear from the patients wat they don like about our hearing aids so that we can try to improve them...
patients are screened by our hearing care consultants and the appropriate hearing aids recommended. anyway... i haven tried one on before so i tried a pair on.. then went walk walk so that i can feel the sensation of wearing one.. after all.. how to design a hearing aid when i never try to wear one before?
im damn glad my hearing is ok...
Top 10 Signs You Are Going To Get Your Candy-Ass Dumped.
Went to
miatan's blog and saw this...
it sounds really familiar... knn..
10. He/She starts to dress up differently. New thongs, sexier outfit, and watch out for the hair. The girls will almost always try something new with the hair. If you guys have been together for years and she only started to dress in exceptionally low cut top and figure hugging dresses, I bet you my left ball she isn’t doing it for you.
CHECKED.. SUDDENLY MATCHING UNDERWEAR..WITH LACE.. AND SHE SAID ITS ITCHY.9. Your partner no longer calls you [insert word of endearment here] and when you point that out, he/she simply replies “you’re just being oversensitive” but still no mention of [insert word of endearment here].
CHECKED..SHE SUDDENLY CALLS ME BY MY NAME. AS IN NRIC.
8. Your partner no longer laughs at your jokes or silly antics but instead finds them annoying.
IM ALWAYS FUNNY.. ALWAYS...7. You tell him/her that you’re going out with another girl/guy to catch a movie. Your partner goes “have fun.” Clear sign he/she no longer feels anything for you.
CHECKED. NO I DIDNT GO OUT WITH ANOTHER GAL. ITS JUST TO TEST HER OUT.
6. He/She starts hanging on to his/her mobile phone for his/her dear life. Every SMS gets replied to immediately while your messages to him/her takes hours to get back to you, and even so, its short, curt and without effort.
CHECKED. AND I HATE IT.. READ MY PROFILE.5. He/She tells you that I’m going out to meet a friend, and NO, you can’t come along because said friend wants to talk in private about something personal.
CHECKED. THEY FUCKING WENT TO THE YACHT CLUB. AND NO IM NOT ALLOWED COS ITS ABOUT GIVING HER SPACE.4. Oh its already 10pm, its too late to go out with you because he/she has to wake up early tomorrow, but makes an exception when a friend calls him/her to meet under him/her block for a short while of three hours. This also applied to telephone conversations.
CHECKED. TELLS ME WORKING IS SO TIRING AND SHE NEEDS TO SLEEP. AFTER TAT WAIT FOR TAT FUCKER TO CALL AND TOK FOR A FEW HOURS.
3. He/She suddenly becomes more knowledgeable about things you guys never talked about. He/She has even gone on to take up a new hobby.
KNOWLEDGABLE?? HAHA.2. “I need a vacation.” Alarm bells should go off when you here this line. It is different from “WE need a vacation.” The guys usually don’t pick this up fast enough. By the time she actually goes through with the vacation, you can kiss the relationship good bye. The girls are a lot more astute on this one. Usually, the plans get unraveled before the guy has the chance to even think of a destination.
CHECKED. TELLS ME THEY ARE GOING IN A BIG GROUP.. YA RITE.1. “I don’t feel like blowing anymore.” Yes, yes. The culmination of all relationships. It’s over. The end. Roll credits. Chicks in general like to suck dick. Even if they hate sucking dick, she will do it for the guy she loves. Now, if she tells you those 6 simple words, you know you’re going to be well acquainted with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters in the days to follow.
CHECKED. IF YOUR GALFREN HAS BEEN IMPROVING OVER THE YEAR FROM A COMPLETE NOVICE TO A PROFESSIONAL UNDER YOUR TUTORSHIP AND WEEKLY PRACTISE, YOU WILL FEEL MY PAIN TOO.
nicelegs going to tiong kok again soon!!
yay.. im going to china again in june.. it has been a every year affair since 2006.. it was fun.. and it brought our hymc closer together..in 2006.. its in hangzhou..
my team members in 2006.. we look quite lihai..
until we see the kind of competition we are playing against...
of cos we did find time to go out have fun.... actually tats what we did.... who cares about the ball games..haha
and we still find some spare time to clown around.. haha...
last year.. 2007 we went to guilin.. not much pictures this time round cos no one bother to bring camera.. so this will have to do...
opponents are stil bigger....
even had time to find a gf.. haha...
donno what will we do this time round in chengdu... hope its fun!!
Barber in NY
There was once a very good barber in NEW YORK, he give Free Haircut to everybody who comes into his shop to have their haircuts.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door .
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: 'I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.. I am doing community service.' The Singaporean software engineer is very happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there............
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
have you got the answer ........... ?????
come on .............
guess guess guess.................................................
a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!
the sad state of our roads..
haiz... today ERP at 5 places are going to start charging.. siao bo.. even in the heartlands.. very soon i think there will be a ERP gantry just outside our car parks next time..sian..
sg will soon be known for our ERP la.. read
geek goddess entry on this.. and i think its quite rite.. haha... pictures below are from her blog..
what i want in life.. for now..
what do i want in life??? i find myself asking myself this question quite often this days.. i also donno why.. maybe it comes with age...but i find myself being at the crossroads of my life more often now..
I always wanted to try working overseas.. that opportunity came up.. or i thought it came up when i joined fujikura bout 3 years ago..i though oh good.. can go japan and work.. and the babes there are sooo "oohh i like".. but of cos.. i got a stupid jap boss who on top of paying me crap.. just tried to play for time by telling me that he will send me over to japan eventually.. i just have to wait.. well.. siao bo.. i have enough la.. so i quit.. sent him a
letter of resignation..
started new job recently.. its a new start and a new place for me to develop and fight for whatever i want..
my buy a car plan has been going on for some years liao.. previously.. in fujikura.. cannot afford.. now maybe can.. but im sticking to jap cars.. cos continental cars too ex ah.. cannot afford..
but now cos the stupid transport guy is cutting the number of COEs .. the prices going up... there are more ERPs around and and they are increasing the ERP charges also.. knn.. somemore oil prices higher than before.. CASE is getting more and more useless against those petrol companies in sg.. its always when oil prices go up.. they increase price.. when oil prices come down.. they leave the inflated price unchanged.. knn.. even SPC is like tat.. there isnt any point in pumping SPC petrol anymore.. it used to be cheaper so it has its appeal.. but now its the same price as other petrol companies.. i rather go to other companies.. SPC petrol doesnt give the car any power.. the car feels sluggish.. so.. why pump SPC....
anyway...im basically stuck bet 2 models.. mazda 3 1.6L or mitsubitshi lancer ex 1.5L...
so far these 2 cars are more affordable la.. i cant really buy small cars cos im damn big la.. if i get into a honda fit or mazda 2.. the car will prob tilt to one side.. so better get a normal size one.. been tracking the prices for these 2 cars.. hopefully when the time comes.. i can get a good price..
been kinda vain this year as well.. as most of my frens know.. im a bai zhan ji.. fair until can glow in the dark i tell you.. and to top it off.. damn fat la.. so basically.. not very nice.. so... i lost weight.. yay.. from 102kg to 88kg now.. i know i blog about it before.. but.. i think still quite a big feat la.. haha.. suddenly all my clothes must buy smaller size one. yay.. and must alter my pants and jeans...good ah..
and i have been getting a tan... indoor though.. been going to
this place to bake.. been going for a few months now.. and spent like closed to 1k liao.. so got some effect.. looks tanner now.. at first i didnt know tat you have to buy tanning lotion to tan.. i thought just standing in the UV chamber can liao.. but apparantly cannot.. so well.. have to spend more money..
tanning lotions cost quite alot.. or rather .. the selling price is quite high here in sg.. so i went online to get.. best part is .. now USD not so high.. so can get a better price on top of the already lower price..
i guess all the things i have done so far was for self improvement.. so tat i can go on to do better things..so far.. things seems to be on track:
new job: checked
better health: checked
losing weight: checked
get a tan: checked
get a car:
get a gf:
so.... the car part can work on it.. the gf part abit harder.. im planning to get a car somewhere in jul or aug.. as for gf.. tat one must see what fate throws at me...
im starting to think tat staying at home during weekends isnt fun anymore... used to rest during weekends so tat i can have more energy to work during the weekdays.. but now.. sometimes i think damn no life... and theres is nothing to do but watch tv or surf net.. and everyone is out with somebody.. its damn sian la.. been almost a year since ex mrs nicelegs and me broke up.. and tat time i was too focused on my career to care about getting a gf again.. now tat everything else seems on track.. it got me thinking again..
i guess its still a gamble.. you never know wat you will get.. its normally hard to know what a person really is like until you have been together for a while.. then.. if its not really working out.. there comes the break up.. which i think its difficult.. esp when your other half thinks everything is fine.. but its not.. haiz.. but the search must go on.. until you find that someone whom you think its the one.. but then.. she must also think tat way.. or else.. its a wasted trip again...
i think for now.. i must really expand my social circle.. haven been going out alot.. haven been knowing any new frens.. i think maybe its time to really break out of this nua shell and step into the light....
may the force be with me..
i love sperm so far..
bukake bukake bukake....
er no..not bukake.. i start working at sperm for slightly more than one month liao.. so far still quite ok.. i hope.. for obvious reasons.. im not going to tok about my company name.. so sperm it shall be known..
seems like the vibes here arent too good.. but then .. i have been at worse places.. like chartered.. so i will survive here.. gals here are tat fantastic.. felt con at 1st.. then as always.. resigned to fate.. haha...
haven really been blogging much.. sort of lose interested in bloggin .. but still been reading other blogs.. prob cos im bored la.. and plus some bloggers are really quite chio.. haha..
been losing weight lately.. for the last few months actually.. good ah.. lost about 12kg already.. and my blood pressure has gone down to healthy levels.. now is more handsome... thank you..
nothing much has been happening in my life now.. other than the odd happenings like my dear ginny that pop out of the blue..
think i need to go out more often....
so dark the con of man
something weird happened to your royal highness lord nicelegs recently.. im suspecting its a prank and im trying to get to the bottom of it.. no one tries to be funny with limpeh and gets away wit it.. if i can help it..haha
as you know.. im going about my biz of doing nothing and nuaing on good friday.. when i receive an sms with just a hello from a number i had never seen before... (although it did look kinda familiar... but donno where and when)..anyway.. i replied something cheeky since i didnt expect any reply at all.. so i replied: hi. if you are a guy go away. if you are a gal, are you pretty, if you are, pls reply.
and voila.. i got a reply.. didnt expect someone would reply to something like tis though.. haha.. anyway..(anyway.. its a gal called ginny although im not too sure now.. you guys wouldnt possibly expect me to write something about some guy rite??).. there were lots of sms exchange between us..i know tat i received about 100+ from her.. and of cos i reply about the same amount..
content was kinda funny though.. she(or it) likes to ask me about my ex gfs(alarm bell 1).. and what we normally do in the bedroom(alarm bell 2).. can you imagine we exchanged over a 100 smses over topics like this? well.. im hell not going to tell her(or it) what exactly i do wit the exes.. but with the flair of an exhibitionist.. the knowledge of an porn addict and the pen of a poet.. and the typing speed of a seasoned handphone user.. i described all the moves i supposingly used on me exes.. and what they do to me la.. oh well.. im taking exageration to its limits.. haha..
ginny was very very interested mostly in physical things bet me and gf.. don understand why gals can be like tat.. so i suspect ginny is maybe gino or something with a dick.. after 2 days.. we progressed to msn.. and there is where i got a 1st glimpse of her(or it)
well.. seriously.. i think the photo not bad la.. quite chio mah... plus the nei nei like quite big.. long hair.. skinny... i like... so of cos must continue tokking.. plus i was bored and had nothing to do..
so we tok on msn for a few times more.. and on the following tues after good fri.. she told me she as horny from listening to all those kinky pictures i planted in her mind.. hmm.. interested.. being a very practical person and a serial prankster meself.. i suspect that hey.. must be someone trying to disturb me la..
unfortunately.. thats about the last contact i had with ginny.. i haven been able to contact her by phone.. she never replies my smses anymore... and she disappeared on msn.. cant get her by e mail as well.. got the mailbox unavailable error msg.. the ways i have to get someone is not wat everyone can think of.. but looks like ginny covered its tracks well.. i have been unable to get any more info on her(or it) since last tues..
so i have come up with the possible conclusions:
1) its a prank.. someone.. and i suspect someone i know is trying to catch me out..
2) its really a gal called ginny.. and she got cold feet...
in any case... i don think i will proceed with any action anymore la.. abit sian liao.. and the novety is wearing off.. if the gods would have it.. i would prob be crossing swords with tat person again.. and i god help tat person if im feeling too kind..
p/s: if someone recognised this photo.. can someone drop me a mail?..
